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Snuff and Gone...

Time to take the past and put it in the trash bin.  Delivering the end of an era and moving onto the next part of my life.  I don't deserve what it was that I was trying to forge and force.  Instead, I need to collect the pieces of the past and put them away and start anew.

I didn't think what had been put asunder could actually be reclaimed but come to find out I am strong enough to do this.  I am strong enough to move forward and not look back.  I know things will be bad for others, it will rip some time and space apart but that's just the collateral damage that had been collected.

I never claimed to be a good person, I never claimed that I would do well or things would be amazing because they won't be. It will take time and focus but I know I can walk this path.  No one in the verse can stop me from being what it is that I am turning myself into.

I will no longer collect others' pain and misery - I will forge my way back onto the shore... I got this..
Recent posts

Time for a change...

So...
I cut my hair today, I was sick of living with the knots and it always being up in a bun.  I have always cut my own hair so it was fairly easy.  It has been getting grey and thinning as I grow older.  That makes me a little sad, but otherwise, it's still in pretty good shape.  I try not to focus on things such as physical appearances as being something other than just how we look.  I know other people take their time and really put effort into their outward expressions and looks but I could honestly care less.

I look how I look and that's that if that somehow has a bearing on how another person views me as an individual then I didn't want to talk to them anyway.  I don't need people who put a value on things that will decay.  I want people to see past what it is that we are on the outside to what we are transforming on the inside.  I work very hard on who I am as a person. 

Our looks will fade, we will get wrinkles or spots, Our hair will fall out or it will bec…

Assimilation...?

A movie came out in 2009 called District 9 and its had quite an affect on my thinking.  The thought that people right now are being housed in slums and tent cities makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes me think about the horrific nature that humanity as a whole simply ignores.  As long as it's not in

If you click HERE you can see a list of the biggest displaced people camps around the world, and they are exactly like that which is depicted in the movie District 9.  I mean, think about that.  This horrific sense of dread seems to wash over as you watch it thinking that is exactly what we as humans would do to people.  We are doing that every single day.  And it makes me furious and sad.

You can read about Refugee Camps HERE.  Please educate yourself, listen to what is going on in the world and just because it's not in your backyard and you can't see it daily doesn't mean that it's not going on, I mean look at the tent cities that are in places like L.A 

Subversion Subdivisions...

Today was a day like many others.  Lots of yelling and screaming about things no one wants to take control over and others who just lay down and take the yelling until it's over.  It's silly really when you think about it in the scope of, hey, parents just asking kids to do their chores.  lol you heard that right.  We as parents ask our children to do some chores and all a sudden world war 3 breaks out and everyone starts imploding on one another for no other reason than they are lashing out because they were asked to do something specific.

I often wonder if other families have this issue or not, but i Never ask anyone I know who has kids.  I don't know lots of people also so that makes the task of not asking pretty easy.  I would have friends I suppose but because of the way we live and our current below poverty tax bracket it makes it really hard to make or want friends because I am typically too embarrassed to want to have people over etc.  So I just don't make fri…

Sometimes...

I haven't been thinking about much today other than my body feeling like it's gone through a wood chipper.  Welcome to Fibromyalgia.  It is strange about this illness.  Some days I feel wonderful and other days I feel like I have been in a serious car crash.  Its something I don't talk about with others.  I try very hard to keep my pain at a minimum when it comes to speaking about it because I know people around me just don't want to hear about it. It becomes old news and people are not receptive to how badly I actually feel some days.


It can be frustrating for sure to feel this way but I do a pretty good job not focusing on the pain. The problem with this disease is that when something else hurts, I don't talk about it or even realize that I should do something about it.  I had to have injections in my vocal cords to inflate them after my thyroid surgery and I had developed an infection in them, I didn't even realize it because stuff hurts all the time. but m…

A Day Like...

Today has been a good day, I went to the shops and did the weekly haul instead of making him go.  It was nice to be out with Alex.  He has been doing really good lately.  We still need to get him into counseling though.  His outbursts can be really violent and I don't want to see him get into any trouble outside of the house.

We also went to the dollar store and picked up some things we needed.  Which was nice, it's good to be able to get what we need when we need it.  I am tired though I didn't go to bed till after one and got up at 7 am.  I should honestly take a nap but I don't think I will be able to because Lewis is working outside in his shed with the boys.

So instead I am hanging out with the littles and making them as happy as I can.  I made them lunch and drinks and they were very happy, they also had jello, which they loved!  I love when they are taken care of and happy!

Voice Coming Along...

I had thyroid removal surgery.  I had cancer in it so it had to go, well when I woke up, I couldn't talk right.  It sounded like I had vocal fry and it would just crack. It was perhaps the most depressing thing I had ever gone through.  I was supposed to go to vocal lessons but my insurance refused to cover it because it wasn't a long term issue.  So... I have been training myself, and I am doing really well, I can sing along with some of my favorite songs again and it almost pushes me to tears to think that I can do what I love. I sang all the time, I didn't realize just how important that part of my life was until I was unable to do it anymore.

It threatened my calm something fierce but I am working hard every single day to be better!  One day I want to be able to speak and sing like I used to do.  I was well.. am still very upset with my surgeon he said everything would be okay and.... I felt like less of a person, I would have to say I am sorry to people about my voic…